That is the best comparission I can come up with for the feeling I had driving away from birmingham last night, my car packed like Spring Break 2004 minus a Brogan stuffed in the back somewhere...at times I could almost smell the peach schnapps that had busted in my back seat. But really. I was so numb, I could feel nothing but sadness and see nothing but the lines on the road, and occational pot hole on I65. It was like I was driving into a black hole. Do they have an end? I am not really knowledgable about black holes, but the picture in my head seems to fit my feelings well. I am ready for the end. The end to all this searching and figuring out crap. I am leaving all my emotions behind and starting this life over as a woman who is in it to win it. No more "I love you and will do whatever it takes to be with you" from me. From now on, that is what I deserve from someone else. No more careers that are paying the bills, I wanna be happy and know that this time, it is for me.
To add to all that, I want to get to a point that I can write happy go lucky, meaningless thing about whatever is on my mind... But for now I am consumed with the future and that is all I have to right about.
So, I am in the center of my black hole, about to go figure out my options for getting more education. That seems like the going trend these days so I guess I might as well :) but in all seriousness, I can't wait to see the end.
-Aar
Monday, January 26, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The start of something GREAT
I am getting a grasp on my life...one day at a time...
I sometimes want to write. Everything on my mind. But I want to do it all in code, to test those who really know me, and to hide my true feelings from reality. If I do not write them in plain sight, maybe they are not a reality, right?!?
I don' t know why I have such an urge to hide everything about my feelings from myself and everyone else. Am I afraid of opinions? Or am I just that independent that I can do it all alone, without even realizing what I am dealing with?
I am moving. Tomorrow. And then again in 2 weeks. It is like taking a knife and cutting yourself with a dull blade and then in a few days when it finally starts to heal, cutting yourself again. Just when I am finally at that point that I am trusting God completely and content with my decision that he has led me to make, I come back and pack up more of my life. More memories, more regrets, and more realities. I am really leaving this place and all my friends to go better my life. That should make me feel so happy, because I am doing something for me for the first time in my life. Something totally selfish, and I have no one to hold my back but myself, but I have never been more afraid of my own decisions.
Everything and everyone I do, have and wish I didn't love are in this city. I am leaving it all. People do it all that time, I know this, but that does not make it any easier for me at this moment. I have to walk away from the most amazing people and just hope that the impact I have had on theirs lives is as great as the one they have had on mine and that it is enough for them not to let our love fade. I am scared. I am hurting. I am not thinking that my life is horrible, I am thinking that this great life would be much easier if I could move all of these people and places with me. I am making a move for the better and again, making the first selfish decision I have ever made, and I know it will be worth it. God is good and he is not going to fail me, but what does he have for this pain that has been in my heart for so many months now? Maybe this move is my medication. Starting over, and creating the life that I should have reached for 2 years ago instead of settling and trusting in someone's broken promises and commitments. I should have been selfish. I should have relocated to Colorado. With the family that means as much as my own, but that fear of losing what is familiar controls me sometimes. There is a reason for that...I will let you know when I figure out what it was.
Wouldn't life be easier if we would always just follow God's path? I have stumbled in so many places, simply because I thought my plan was better. It wasn't. And it never will be. He knows.
So...Now I leave Alabama. I go back to school, and in 2 years I will have a Master's degree...I WILL BE 28! HA! Old and Educated.
I don't know why I decided to let this be my first blog, but I guess it is fitting...I am starting another chapter in the book of my life...a book that each year I think will climax, but I am not there yet. I have not reached that one point, that will not let you put the book down. But I will, and I know it will be better than any Nicholas Sparks book you could buy :)
True Love, True Friendships, and True Happiness do happen to people, and I am one of them.
Goodbye Birmingham, AL. I have learned so much about myself thus far in my life, and I have so much pain in this town that I can't wait to let go of. I have so many friends that have pulled me through those painful times that I plan to keep with me in every part of my journey...That means YOU!!!
-Aar
I sometimes want to write. Everything on my mind. But I want to do it all in code, to test those who really know me, and to hide my true feelings from reality. If I do not write them in plain sight, maybe they are not a reality, right?!?
I don' t know why I have such an urge to hide everything about my feelings from myself and everyone else. Am I afraid of opinions? Or am I just that independent that I can do it all alone, without even realizing what I am dealing with?
I am moving. Tomorrow. And then again in 2 weeks. It is like taking a knife and cutting yourself with a dull blade and then in a few days when it finally starts to heal, cutting yourself again. Just when I am finally at that point that I am trusting God completely and content with my decision that he has led me to make, I come back and pack up more of my life. More memories, more regrets, and more realities. I am really leaving this place and all my friends to go better my life. That should make me feel so happy, because I am doing something for me for the first time in my life. Something totally selfish, and I have no one to hold my back but myself, but I have never been more afraid of my own decisions.
Everything and everyone I do, have and wish I didn't love are in this city. I am leaving it all. People do it all that time, I know this, but that does not make it any easier for me at this moment. I have to walk away from the most amazing people and just hope that the impact I have had on theirs lives is as great as the one they have had on mine and that it is enough for them not to let our love fade. I am scared. I am hurting. I am not thinking that my life is horrible, I am thinking that this great life would be much easier if I could move all of these people and places with me. I am making a move for the better and again, making the first selfish decision I have ever made, and I know it will be worth it. God is good and he is not going to fail me, but what does he have for this pain that has been in my heart for so many months now? Maybe this move is my medication. Starting over, and creating the life that I should have reached for 2 years ago instead of settling and trusting in someone's broken promises and commitments. I should have been selfish. I should have relocated to Colorado. With the family that means as much as my own, but that fear of losing what is familiar controls me sometimes. There is a reason for that...I will let you know when I figure out what it was.
Wouldn't life be easier if we would always just follow God's path? I have stumbled in so many places, simply because I thought my plan was better. It wasn't. And it never will be. He knows.
So...Now I leave Alabama. I go back to school, and in 2 years I will have a Master's degree...I WILL BE 28! HA! Old and Educated.
I don't know why I decided to let this be my first blog, but I guess it is fitting...I am starting another chapter in the book of my life...a book that each year I think will climax, but I am not there yet. I have not reached that one point, that will not let you put the book down. But I will, and I know it will be better than any Nicholas Sparks book you could buy :)
True Love, True Friendships, and True Happiness do happen to people, and I am one of them.
Goodbye Birmingham, AL. I have learned so much about myself thus far in my life, and I have so much pain in this town that I can't wait to let go of. I have so many friends that have pulled me through those painful times that I plan to keep with me in every part of my journey...That means YOU!!!
-Aar
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