On the edge of civilization...

I HAVE THE INTERNET!!!!

Possibly one of the only people here, other than subway!
It is amazing how you can feel so lost without something that you lived most of your life without knowing...Can you honestly tell me that you would be ok going to nowhere without your computer? It is almost as bad as that feeling of not having your cell phone, but you are far enough from home that you cant go back. But not me, not now... I have made it big with the internet.

Things are looking up on the job market for me. I have gotten my resume in the right hands at a place that I wanted to work before I decided to move here...This could be huge. I just have to pray that mine is the one that stands out. The are planning to expand by 800 in the next ten years, hopefully I will be one of them. The house is not doing so well...I see the future being me and the huge weight of a house note pulling me down from financial success. Again, I just have to pray about it. He has answered all my prayers to this point, and I have no doubt that he will do the same for this one.

It is wedding season:
I have been trying to plan my spring, and figure out who, when and where...I will officially be going to birmingham every weekend from the end of March all the way through May. So much travelling. Good thing I love these girls, or this would be alot harder. So I am trying to save as much as I can now, with the money I don't have, so that when I am having to buy gas for my weekend trips, I am not broke...not to mention I will need some really good, and strong wine by that time. No one here has ever heard of wine, so I must depend on birmingham to satisfy my cravings.
Do they make low calorie wine? Did I mention I am working very hard to get into dresses for 2 weddings??? The last thing any person wants is to be unhappy with themselves at their best friends wedding.

So I have officially been a bridesmaid many times, but as the movie jokes, never a bride... I want to pout about that a little, but I think instead I am going to be thankful. I am very blessed that god has led me away from the few serious relationships that I have had, and allowed me a chance to find what real love and real relationships are about. I gave up looking for it. No more searching or hoping that the one I had feelings for so long ago is still that person, or trying to figure out how to handle situations. I need new, not old. Why settle, right? I didn't in the past, so I refuse to do so now. Thanks to you for helping me figure out that I was on a fast track to being with one more person that could not love me like I deserve. I fall for things sometimes, and I let my lonely heart lead, but not anymore. Not today and not with me.

Goodnight.

Black Hole

That is the best comparission I can come up with for the feeling I had driving away from birmingham last night, my car packed like Spring Break 2004 minus a Brogan stuffed in the back somewhere...at times I could almost smell the peach schnapps that had busted in my back seat. But really. I was so numb, I could feel nothing but sadness and see nothing but the lines on the road, and occational pot hole on I65. It was like I was driving into a black hole. Do they have an end? I am not really knowledgable about black holes, but the picture in my head seems to fit my feelings well. I am ready for the end. The end to all this searching and figuring out crap. I am leaving all my emotions behind and starting this life over as a woman who is in it to win it. No more "I love you and will do whatever it takes to be with you" from me. From now on, that is what I deserve from someone else. No more careers that are paying the bills, I wanna be happy and know that this time, it is for me.
To add to all that, I want to get to a point that I can write happy go lucky, meaningless thing about whatever is on my mind... But for now I am consumed with the future and that is all I have to right about.
So, I am in the center of my black hole, about to go figure out my options for getting more education. That seems like the going trend these days so I guess I might as well :) but in all seriousness, I can't wait to see the end.
-Aar

The start of something GREAT

I am getting a grasp on my life...one day at a time...
I sometimes want to write. Everything on my mind. But I want to do it all in code, to test those who really know me, and to hide my true feelings from reality. If I do not write them in plain sight, maybe they are not a reality, right?!?
I don' t know why I have such an urge to hide everything about my feelings from myself and everyone else. Am I afraid of opinions? Or am I just that independent that I can do it all alone, without even realizing what I am dealing with?

I am moving. Tomorrow. And then again in 2 weeks. It is like taking a knife and cutting yourself with a dull blade and then in a few days when it finally starts to heal, cutting yourself again. Just when I am finally at that point that I am trusting God completely and content with my decision that he has led me to make, I come back and pack up more of my life. More memories, more regrets, and more realities. I am really leaving this place and all my friends to go better my life. That should make me feel so happy, because I am doing something for me for the first time in my life. Something totally selfish, and I have no one to hold my back but myself, but I have never been more afraid of my own decisions.
Everything and everyone I do, have and wish I didn't love are in this city. I am leaving it all. People do it all that time, I know this, but that does not make it any easier for me at this moment. I have to walk away from the most amazing people and just hope that the impact I have had on theirs lives is as great as the one they have had on mine and that it is enough for them not to let our love fade. I am scared. I am hurting. I am not thinking that my life is horrible, I am thinking that this great life would be much easier if I could move all of these people and places with me. I am making a move for the better and again, making the first selfish decision I have ever made, and I know it will be worth it. God is good and he is not going to fail me, but what does he have for this pain that has been in my heart for so many months now? Maybe this move is my medication. Starting over, and creating the life that I should have reached for 2 years ago instead of settling and trusting in someone's broken promises and commitments. I should have been selfish. I should have relocated to Colorado. With the family that means as much as my own, but that fear of losing what is familiar controls me sometimes. There is a reason for that...I will let you know when I figure out what it was.
Wouldn't life be easier if we would always just follow God's path? I have stumbled in so many places, simply because I thought my plan was better. It wasn't. And it never will be. He knows.

So...Now I leave Alabama. I go back to school, and in 2 years I will have a Master's degree...I WILL BE 28! HA! Old and Educated.

I don't know why I decided to let this be my first blog, but I guess it is fitting...I am starting another chapter in the book of my life...a book that each year I think will climax, but I am not there yet. I have not reached that one point, that will not let you put the book down. But I will, and I know it will be better than any Nicholas Sparks book you could buy :)

True Love, True Friendships, and True Happiness do happen to people, and I am one of them.

Goodbye Birmingham, AL. I have learned so much about myself thus far in my life, and I have so much pain in this town that I can't wait to let go of. I have so many friends that have pulled me through those painful times that I plan to keep with me in every part of my journey...That means YOU!!!

-Aar